Dear Joseph,
by emergency-heart
Summary: After saying goodbye to little Freya, Jac decides to try to get her life in order, starting with a letter to the man she loves.
1. Chapter 1: Strumming on the Heartstrings

**Hi Guys, sorry it's been a while! This idea came to me after watching Jac getting all maternal over Freya in the last episode. I hope you like it. **

_Chapter one: Strumming on the heartstrings…_

The front door was thrown open with such force that it collided with the wall and bounced back as Jac, still clad in her bike leathers and helmet marched angrily through it kicking it shut behind her. As she removed her helmet, the tear tracks ringing her eyes became instantly visible, even by her own standards Jac Naylor was an emotional mess. She knew she would have to let Freya go eventually and she supposed it couldn't have come to a happier ending for the child, so why was she so upset? She couldn't have looked after her any better than her mother could, but the truth was that little girl had got under her skin and was tugging on her heartstrings and it hurt.

Then there was the issue of Sean, she knew he was fonder of her than most, so as usual she had scorned, insulted and rejected him as much as she could in order to get rid of the persistent paediatrician. Nothing she did seemed to put him off, to the point where in a moment of weakness she agreed to accompany him to a bar later that evening, just to stop his constant asking. What was worse however, was how her own feelings towards the man had rapidly changed even since this afternoon. Alarmingly, she was warming to the infuriatingly cheery doctor. He had pulled out all the stops to make sure she got to say her own goodbye to Freya without attracting too much attention from her colleagues and she was more than grateful. He was breaking through her barriers in a way that only two other people had managed to do before, one of them being a little baby girl and the other being a certain former CT surgeon with cobalt blue eyes.

She hadn't heard from Joseph in months, until yesterday when a Christmas card with a Penrith postmark landed on her door mat and reawakening all those feelings she thought she had managed to suppress. Inside the envelope was a photo of a smiling Joseph wearing Jac's favourite blue 'sweep you off your feet' sweater and cuddling his beloved son who was wearing a huge grin and a Santa hat that flopped down over his eyes. She still loved him and she knew it. Sadly Jac picked up the photo from where she had left in on the table; briefly she turned it over looking for a message, a date, a sign- heck anything to show he hadn't forgotten her. And then there it was, an address written in Joseph's painstakingly neat copperplate script, there was her answer- she would write to him. If he didn't reply, she supposed, it was time to get on with her life and forget him. She checked her watch; she had two hours before she was due to meet Sean that was more than enough time to write a letter.

…

_Dear Joseph_

_I'm sorry; I never meant to leave it so long to write to you. I've never been one for emotional gooey letters or anything emotional and gooey for that matter I guess. I suppose I didn't write to you because it was too painful, it always is- and when you're the Ice-Queen there's a certain reputation that needs to be maintained. Not that that's an excuse of course. I just feel like everything has changed in the past few months. _

_Ok, I'm just going to come out with it, if I don't say it in writing than I never will: I miss you Joseph, I'm a mess without you. Staying here alone was the worst decision I ever made. I thought it was bad as soon as you left, but now I realise what I have done. This is going to sound absurd coming from me Joe, but I think my heart may be melting. _

_It all started when I met Freya five weeks ago, she came to Darwin with heart complications and thanks to me she left with family complications. At first I couldn't stand her, she reminded me of Harry and the life I could have had with you. She made me think things I never wanted to consider. Then there was her mother, she was young and when the going got tough for baby Freya she got scared and ran. It was my fault, I was supposed to be comforting her and for once I was actually trying, but as usual I lost my patience. I turned my back and she had gone- they all blamed me for it and rightly so. I got so angry for that little girl, I kept thinking about Paula and what she did to me- sure I was young when Paula left me- but Freya wasn't even a year old. I felt so guilty, no child should have to go through the same anguish that I did. Still I insisted that I would treat her and because of me she nearly bled out, I doubt Eliot will ever let me forget that. It almost ended there and then with her heart literally in my hand._

_The first night I stayed with her, I don't know who cried more. Me probably- this remarkable little girl had somehow got hold of my heartstrings and she was tugging on them, hard. It ended up with me sat holding her whilst sat on Sean's (you know the paediatrics consultant) lap with him dressed in a very poor Santa costume. She made me feel so many different emotions all at once; to think if I hadn't managed to lose you, the baby on my knee could've been my own- maybe even ours. I'm sorry I know that ship has sailed between us; I'm not sure what I'm trying to achieve by writing this to you. You're a full-time super dad now, like you have time to sit and write me a letter or even read this one I'm writing to you._

_Then there's Sean, he's the only person who saw through my motives with Freya, he knew how much she got to me and he was one of the few people who didn't write me off as a cold hearted bitch. He's been hitting on me since the moment Freya appeared on Darwin, and part of me adores the attention but he's just not you. No-one will ever love you the way I do, not even Harry, Sean will make a good friend I'm sure but he's not you Joseph and he never will be. He would only be my second best, my alternative and I wouldn't do that for myself so why should I expect him to? I can't be that cruel anymore._

_I guess what I'm saying Joseph, is that I either need to have you and Harry back in my life or I have to forget you completely. I've always been an all or nothing kind of girl and I guess this is it; I can't keep waiting for you to contact me, I need to get on with my life with or without you. I'm not asking you to drop everything and come running back to me, I just need to know what's going on between us because right now my life is going nowhere and meeting Freya and Sean has made me see the rut I've got myself stuck in and I don't know what to do._

_I love you Joseph and I know I will never deserve you. I hate to be this weak but I need you to contact me in some way, I guess I just need to hear from you. You know my address._

_Yours always,_

_Jac._

An hour and what seemed like a million pieces of tear stained and smudged paper later, Jac threw down her expensive pen. What was the point? She had just poured her heart out onto a piece of paper, why on earth would Joseph care about that? He had Harry to concentrate on now; he couldn't solve her problems anymore. She screwed up the letter and went to change.

**Watch this space, chapter two will be here shortly!**

**Feel free to read and review if you liked it **

**Kat x**


	2. Chapter 2: Give me Love

**Thank you guys for the reviews on the last chapter, hope you enjoy this one!**

Chapter two: Give me love like never before, _('cause lately I've been craving more.)_

It was around midnight when Jac and Sean finally emerged from the bar, unusually high spirited (for Jac) and both somewhat intoxicated. Jac hadn't intended to get this drunk, but after one glass of wine, the stress of Freya's sudden departure and writing to Joseph that was driving her to distraction seemed to dull a little. So she followed it with another and another until Sean was literally all she was able to focus on. He was rather nice when you got to know him she decided, he was sweet, charming, polite and much less annoying after a good deal of wine. In many ways he was an almost perfect mix of Joseph and Sascha- her two favourite men, if she could really call either of them that.

Music floating from the bar swirled around the pair as they stood close together both reluctant and unsure to end the night appropriately. Then the song playing in the bar changed abruptly, it was some pop/rock track from somewhere around the eighties. Sean and began to softly sing along, looking into Jac's eyes as he did so;

"Her hair is Harlow gold  
>Her lips sweet surprise<br>Her hands are never cold  
>She's got Bette Davis eyes<br>She'll turn her music on you  
>You won't have to think twice<br>She's pure as New York snow  
>She got Bette Davis eyes…"<p>

He then paused to consider the lyrics he'd just been singing and grinned, "This song could've been written about you, Ms Naylor." He whispered softly, leaning closer to Jac, "Only, your eyes are far more beautiful than Bette Davis's, in my opinion." Jac said nothing and smiled back in response, deep down she knew it was cheesy but in her drunken state she was falling for each of his lines, hook, line and sinker. So it was no surprise that when his lips found hers, she didn't even bother to protest- she wasn't with anybody and neither was he- what harm could it possibly do?

"Do you want to share a taxi?" she asked mischievously, when they eventually broke apart.

A silent darkness shrouded the brutally minimal single bedroom apartment, a two-seater sofa stood, luminated only by the glowing red of the small flat-screen television that had been left on permanent standby. On the other side of the room, light from the streetlamps skated skittishly across the pristine surface of the barely used dining table that marked the entrance to the clinically organised kitchen. The table itself was empty but for a jet black biker's helmet, a turquoise parker pen and a crumpled piece of paper, all of which had seemingly been abandoned by the owner.

Suddenly the silence was shattered, firstly by the sound of a key turning in the front door and the flick of a light switch. Instantly the room was flooded with light, exposing the figures of the couple that stood in the door way. Despite being slightly unsteady in her shoes, Jac led her way confidently into her flat tugging the hand of the tall black man, who followed hot on her heels. She broke away from him swiftly, dancing just out of his reach, making him respond eagerly by stepping forward and backing her up against the nearest convenient wall and kissing her passionately. She stifled a triumphant and uncharacteristic giggle against his lips, "You, Ms Naylor, have had far too much wine." He murmured in a mock scalding tone.

"And whose fault is that Peter Pan?" Jac retorted with a smirk as she led him into the kitchen. "Another, bottle?" she asked heading towards the fridge, staggering slightly as she went.

Gently Sean slipped his arm around her waist to steady her; "Maybe later" he smiled again, capturing her mouth with his own. "As you wish," Jac whispered seductively taking him by the hand once more and leading him in the direction of her bedroom.

**Bear with me Jac/Joe shippers, the chemistry between Jac and Sean was too hard for me to ignore! **

**The lyrics at the beginning of this chapter are from "Bette Davis Eyes" by Kim Carnes, if you Google the lyrics- you'll see why I chose it.**

**Next chapter to follow shortly!**


	3. Chapter 3: Throw it all away

**Hi everybody thanks for all the reviews so far- I really appreciate them all. Any way here it is, the morning after the night before…**

Dear Joseph: 

Chapter 3: _"__I'll throw it all away and watch you fall into my arms again,"_  
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Sean rolled over, opened his eyes lazily and blinked rapidly at his unfamiliar surroundings, the room was bright, spacious and empty except for the clothes that were scattered all over the floor. His mouth felt like gravel and his head was spinning but he just couldn't shake the feeling of triumph that was spreading through his body. He had bedded the ice-queen and stayed the night, in short had done what so many before him had failed to do.

Suddenly a loud and insistent quacking noise erupted from his watch and began to get progressively louder; Jac stirred gently beside him and rolled away but didn't wake. Sean fumbled around beside the bed, searching for the offending watch and silenced it quickly, praying that he hadn't woken the sleeping beauty next to him. Luckily, thanks to their generous collective wine consumption the previous night she was out cold, Sean breathed a sigh of relief. He couldn't predict how Jac would react when she woke up, but he had an inkling that coffee might just help to sweeten her. Feeling slightly exposed he looked around the room trying to locate his boxers in the jumble of clothes that were strewn everywhere; eventually he found them and slipped them on. Quietly, he crept towards the open door looking behind it to see if Jac had a dressing gown that he could borrow, to give him some more decency. Instead he found two coat hooks, one holding a well-worn and slightly ripped biker jacket and the other holding a baggy standard issue Holby hoodie. He shivered as he shrugged it on, quickly realising that it was just too slightly too small for him. Sean wondered who it belonged to, it certainly wasn't Jac's originally- it would be far too small for her slender frame and it certainly didn't look like something Jac would be caught dead in at work. He knew she always preferred her clothes to be a good fit- not too tight but perfectly tailored to suit her elegant figure. As he slipped it back off his shoulders, he realised it was a man's hoodie. Sean was confused, he'd only been at Holby for a year or so, so he wasn't aware that Jac had ever dated anybody, especially not at work- but then he never did pay much attention to hospital gossip. Either way, whoever it was, he wasn't working at Holby now.

Slowly, having replaced the hoodie with his shirt from the night before, he padded into the kitchen, closed the bedroom door gently behind him and set about methodologically searching for mugs and coffee. As he did so, he was struck by how viciously organised and clean Jac's flat was, he noticed it was almost completely void of any traces of sentimentality or even signs that someone inhabited the place. There were no photos, no magazines, no letters, not even as much as a takeaway leaflet, it was bizarre. When he finally located the coffee mugs and filled them, he banged them down somewhat triumphantly on the kitchen table, upsetting a crumpled piece of paper and a photo in the process and knocking them to the floor.

He studied the photo as he bent to pick it up; it was of a handsome man with deep smiling blue eyes holding a young child who was quite clearly his son, they had the same lopsided smile and everything. Sean's mind filled with questions; who was this mysterious man and why on earth did Jac Naylor have his photo in her kitchen? Then he had a brainwave, perhaps this child was the reason she had been so taken with Freya, the only question was why- what connection was he to her?

Unable to resist the temptation, Sean picked up the accompanying letter and he couldn't help but notice his name written in Jac's hurried spiky hand writing. Furtively he glanced back towards the bedroom and began to read. The letter was address to someone called Joseph, presumably the man in the photo he'd just been looking at. As he read, three words leapt out at him, they were those three little words, the ones everyone wants to hear every once in a while. Then with a sinking heart, it hit him, he had been right all along: Jac Naylor did have a big heart but it wasn't his or Freya's, it belonged to this man Joseph. As long as Joseph and his son were in her life, he would only be her second best and that stung- he really did think he could've had something special with Jac. Yet somehow he wasn't surprised or hugely hurt, he understood what she'd been going through and for once he knew she meant no harm by her actions. He admired this beautiful woman and thought her courageous, he'd seen her in a way that so few had and as far as he was concerned she deserved to be happy.

Perhaps he could be the one to make her happy one day, but deep down he knew, she would never let him until she could move on from Joseph. However there was one small problem, she was Jacqueline Naylor; she would never send a letter containing that level of emotion, regardless of how much she needed to. Bracing himself for the imminent storm, Sean folded the letter into his hand and went to take Jac her coffee.

**I'm in two minds as to where to take this story- half of me wants to see Jac and Sean make a go of it together, but the other just wants to do bring good old Joe back, so I'd love to hear your thoughts and ideas. **

**Either way I feel I should warn you, there may be a gap between this post and the next as I am heading back up to University and will have much less time on my hands, but I promise I will finish this so please stick with me. **

**Thanks for reading, please R+R.**


	4. Chapter 4: Cold Coffee in the morning

**Hi everybody, just to let you know this fic hasn't been forgotten!**

**Enjoy xx**

Dear Joseph,

Chapter 4: _"She's like Cold Coffee in the Morning"_

Sean had found his way to the bathroom by the time Jac had managed to wake herself up. Her throat felt like sandpaper and her head was pounding, as she struggled to recall the events of the previous night. It was bit of a blur, but thanks to the various clues she had managed to leave herself she was quickly able to deduce how the night had ended. The prognosis was not good. She groaned inwardly as she saw the trail of abandoned male and female clothing that led up to the bed and the open box of durex she kept for 'emergencies' on her bedside table. Why had she done that? She thought to herself. She was trying to sort out her life not complicate it further by having sex with Sean. At least she'd been safe, she supposed, unlike her last 'drunken night' with Joseph there wasn't even a possibility of her being pregnant this time. Not that that had ever been her intention.

Much to Jac's dismay the unmistakeable sound of her shower running on full blast told her that Sean was still here, which meant the dreaded awkward 'morning after conversation' was not going to be avoidable this time. Suddenly, she heard the shower being shut off, she gulped and drew the covers up around herself as the door opened to reveal Sean wearing nothing but one of her towels. It was time to face the music. He grinned nervously, "Hi… uh, I'm sorry, I hope you don't mind, but I didn't want to wake you," he said gesturing towards the towel he had borrowed. For once, Jac didn't know what to say, she hadn't ever envisaged this moment actually happening, mentally she ran through her inventory of witty stock phrases and came up with nothing. "It's fine," she muttered, frantically trying to sort out her spinning mind. "Thanks for the coffee," She added noticing the mug that stood on her bedside as she fought to keep her eyes glued to the floor. She was slowly becoming acutely aware of how Joseph must've felt back in the days when she used to play silly little mind games with him. Particularly that one night, where she took the game too far and almost ruined her chances with him for good, by seducing him in his fiancés bed. She remembered clearly the look of horror on his face the morning after when she appeared from the bathroom in much the same manner as Sean had just done, it was not something she particularly wanted to remember.

Perhaps it was because she was beginning to respect Sean as a friend that Jac felt so awful, because she knew that whatever feelings he had for her, she just couldn't match them. He was good in bed- that was for sure but lovely though he was- he just wasn't Joseph. She was an emotional wreck right now, Sean didn't deserve her like this, he deserved someone who could open up to him fully and loved him, for who he was, not who he was replacing. Finally she opened her mouth; "I'm so sorry Sean," she began,

"Don't be," he interrupted gently,

"No really, I'm so sorry, I've led you on. You're a great guy but it shouldn't have got this far- I was drunk and upset. I really am sorry." She confessed, feeling guiltier by the second. However to her surprise, instead of looking angry or upset, Sean simply smiled sympathetically and sat down on the end of her bed. "It's ok Jac, I understand. You had a horrid day yesterday- I work on Paeds on a daily basis, but even I found saying goodbye to Freya hard, so I can't imagine how you must've felt. I think we were both looking for some affection last night." He sighed heavily, "But I do need to tell you this: I really, really like you Jac- I think you're beautiful. I had fun last night, but I can see I'm not who you want. The last thing I want to do is force you into anything, but I want you to know I'll be here for you, if you- you know…" He faltered. To her horror Jac felt the tears begin to sting her eyes, no-one had said words that kind to her for years, "Thank you," she whispered with relief as she desperately tried to blink them back. Sean patted her hand affectionately, making her jump slightly; "I'll just get dressed and then I'll be gone and we can return to normal, ok?" Jac nodded silently in response, still in a mild state of shock.

"I'll see you at work," Sean smiled sadly at Jac once he had dressed himself. "Yes, um… see you," Jac replied, "Actually, Sean wait!" she called "How do I know that this won't be all over Holby General by the time I start my evening shift tonight?" she asked, only half-joking. In response, Sean crossed the room and placed a quick but lingering kiss on Jac's surprised lips. "That's how." He said simply, pocketing a crumpled piece of paper and heading swiftly for the door.

Once he reached his own front door, Sean marched straight into the chaotic room he called his study and began to rummage frantically through his stationary draw. Eventually he found what he was looking for, grabbed a jacket and rushed for the front door. As he reached the post box he felt a brief stab of guilt for what he was about to do, but he knew Jac would thank him eventually. Or at least he hoped so, because if not some man called Joseph Byrne was going to receive a potentially very shocking letter.

**Joseph or Sean people, I'm leaving up to you… I'm going to count up all the reviews for this so far and decide from there, so if you have a preference, tell me in a review and I might consider it!**

**Lots of Love xx **


	5. Chapter 5: My One and Only,

**Hey Guys, thank you so much for your patience- sorry it's been a while. This is sort of a holding chapter to keep y'all entertained until I can finish the next chapter properly- which hopefully shouldn't be too long as it will be Easter soon. Much Love xx**

Dear Joseph,

_Chapter five: __You are my one and only, and you can wrap your fingers round my thumb,_

The days after her brief and passionate encounter with Sean flew by without much of any significance for Jac. She spent her time mercilessly bullying F1's, bickering with Oliver and watching with distaste as Greg and Sahira made sickening puppy eyes at each other. However when her final shift of the week began to draw to a slow and sleepy close, Jac realised that she had no actual desire to spend the impending weekend alone in her depressingly empty flat. In fact she would rather spend the night in the on-call room, than in her own bed. She would've rather died than admit this to anyone, but she actually preferred sleeping there some nights- it was in those small beds that she felt the most close to Joseph in his absence. They reminded her of the first night they had spent together before she screwed everything up. It was in those little rooms she'd spent many a night dozing against his bare chest while he slept, feeling the most loved she'd ever felt in her life. With a small sigh, Jac retrieved her spare set of clothes and a pair of clean scrubs that would serve as a pair of makeshift pyjamas and headed for the nearest vacant on-call room, where she fell quickly into a deep and listless sleep.

_She was with Joseph in theatre again and he was leaning close to her as he assisted with some complicated procedure- the details of which she could not concentrate on. She could feel his body heat against hers and smell his heavenly aftershave- frankly, it was taking all her best efforts to resist jumping on him and having him right there and then in the middle of theatre. Suddenly he abandoned his tools and turned silently to face her so that his face was just millimetres from hers. Jac ached for him to kiss her senseless, but his eyes were torn from hers as the sounds of a small child's distressed crying filled the air around them. "Joseph, wait!" She cried after him as he disappeared off in pursuit of the child. She was alone again, so very alone and the crying was getting steadily louder and louder in the same way Freya's had just moments before Jac had had to rush her into life-saving theatre. "Freya?" Jac mumbled confusedly, "Freya?" She had to find her. She had ruined this child's life enough already, she couldn't let her die; it would be all her fault. Jac began to run but she tripped on her untied shoelace and found herself falling._

"Jac!" Sahira was calling relentlessly "Jac! Wake up." Jac's eyes snapped open abruptly as she realised firstly, that she was being shaken and secondly that the crying that had ruined her strange dream hadn't stopped.

"What?" She grumbled trying and failing to snap back into action.

"It's Freya," was all Sahira needed to say to get Jac out of bed and ready for action.

"Page Sean" She commanded, beginning to march in the direction of the crying.

"Rafi found her outside the hospital as he was leaving," Sahira explained as she trotted alongside Jac, taking a dozen steps to Jac's single stride. "It seems she's been out there for several hours before Rafi found her, she's showing signs of mild hypothermia, but she's stable."

"Thanks for telling me," Jac said once they'd reached the side bay where Freya's cot was set up, "But why did you come and get me, I mean why bother- why not get paeds?" She asked.

"I did get paeds" Sahira replied indignantly, "They've been and gone for now. I got you because when Rafi found her he also found a bag full of baby clothes with a note attached- it was addressed to you." She said fumbling in her scrub pocket and producing a folded piece of paper with the words "To Dr Naylor" scrawled hastily on the top and handed it over. Speechless, Jac took it and made her way over to the wailing child, wondering what the hell she should do to soothe her. She was caught off guard, she hadn't expected Freya to return to her life- nobody else had, so why would this be any different? Cautiously, she took the infants tiny hand in her own and gently stroked it, her breath catching in her throat as Freya's cries calmed almost instantly. Jac turned to Sahira, wrestling hard to keep her emotions from betraying her famously icy exterior. "Can you give me a minute?" She asked softly. "Sure" Her colleague nodded, ducking gracefully from the room and closing the door behind her.

Turning the note over and over in her hand, Jac settled herself into the upright armchair by Freya's cot and began to read.

"_Dear Dr Naylor," _It read, Jac winced at the incorrect use of her hard earned title. _"You said I wasn't fit to look after Freya and you were right. She deserves better mother than I can ever be, so I know it's a bit drastic, but I'm leaving her with you. You know what's best for her- you saved her life for god's sake. If you can look after her, she's all yours to care for but if you can't please find someone who can keep her safe and loved. You probably think I'm a terrible person for abandoning her twice, but honestly she's better off without me. I won't come back this time I promise, but please- If you can do just one thing for me, please make sure she knows that none of this was ever her fault…"_

Jac could've read on but she'd got the gist, her heart was hammering in her chest, like it or not Freya was in her charge now. Freya had really gotten to her, but how on earth was she going to keep her glorious career alive and look after a baby at the same time? She hated children; they were noisy, messy and generally ruined lives. It wasn't their fault, but to Jac it was a simple fact. It wasn't that she didn't know how to look after babies, her foster family had been full of them and she'd often been roped in to help. She was simply terrified of becoming her mother, the heartless and pathological liar- no child deserved to have a mother like that.

Suddenly a familiar tall figure came crashing into the small side room, making the baby begin to whimper softly. "How is she?" Sean asked softly.

"Physically, she'll be fine" Jac said frankly, not taking her eyes off the cot, "But her mother isn't coming back this time." She whispered- feeling alarmingly close to tears.

"But you don't know that," Sean replied, in a confused tone. Jac said nothing in response but pressed the note into his hands and watched with mixed emotions as he began to read it.

As he did so, Freya's whimpers progressed into full blown cries of confusion and terror at her strange and scary surroundings. "What do I do Sean?" Jac almost cried, "What's wrong with her?"

Calmly, Sean put down the letter and checked Freya's monitors, "Everything's normal Jac, she's probably just frightened."

"Well how do I 'un-frighten' her?" Jac demanded impatiently.

"Try giving her a cuddle," Sean shrugged infuriatingly, "Usually works."

"Why me? Why not you?" Jac snapped.

"Because, regardless of what happens in the future, right now Ms Winters has left you to look after her it's you she needs Jac, not me." Sean shot straight back.

That did it. Slowly Jac bent over the cot and put her arms around the baby, lifted her up and held her close to her chest. Gradually the wailing faded, until the infant was fast asleep with her head rested on Jac's shoulder. Jac was torn inside, how could she possibly replace this baby's beloved mother? But she felt almost as though she wanted to.

"See you're a natural," Sean coaxed

"I don't know what to do with her," She confessed, her voice breaking.

"You want my opinion," Sean shrugged knowingly, "I think you know what you want, you're just scared but its ok you know, the process will take time anyway. If you decide to take her that is.

"It's not about what I want." Jac stated shifting the sleeping baby in her arms, "I realised that when, she left us the first time. It's about what's best for her."

"And what's better for her than the woman who saved her life, not once but twice Jac? Ask yourself this, could you stand a bunch of strangers taking her away and never seeing her again? Think about it." Sean replied with a small smile. "I have to go, but page me if you need me." He patted Jac's arm affectionately and left the room.

However, Jac's thoughts were abruptly interrupted by the bleeping of her phone signifying that she had received a text- a rare occurrence for her since the departure of the only person who ever gave a damn about her. Confused she reached into her scrub pocket and checked her phone.

"**I received your letter, you're right we need to talk. I will call you tomorrow when I can. J"**

Jac sat down back down into her chair and held Freya close to her chest and sobbed, there was no way she could stop the tears from falling now.

**That's all for now folks, you know the drill: R+R if you liked it **


	6. Chapter 6: Tell her

**Chapter 6: **

**So here's what probably will be the penultimate chapter, hope you enjoy it. Thank you so much for all your reviews- they really mean the world. This fic has had the most reviews I've ever had out of all my Holby fics so THANK YOU SO MUCH you people are beautiful. Enjoy! **

_**Tell her that I want her, Tell her that I need her, Tell her that I love her**_

It was roughly eight o'clock when Sean returned to Holby General for his shift the next morning, on his way up to the main children's ward, he stopped briefly as he passed the window of the side bay where Freya had spent the night. He was shocked by what he saw; Jac Naylor was peacefully asleep in the arm chair by the cot, holding Freya who was sat in her lap, contentedly playing with the icy consultant's fiery hair. His breath hitched momentarily, she looked so beautiful when she slept, but deep down he knew she wasn't his and she never would be- he had to move on.

"Aw that's sooo cute" Chirped a female voice next to him, "I never knew Ms Naylor had kids- did you?"

"She doesn't" Sean replied, turning to face the source of his interruption, a pretty bright-blonde and pink lipped nurse whose face he didn't recognise.

"Have we met?" he asked with a cheeky grin that verged on flirtatious.

"I don't think so," Was the reply. "I'm Nurse Lane, but you can call me Chantelle, I was sent to cover for one of your nurse's today- I usually work on Keller. Not that I don't love kids though, my sisters got tonnes and my brother's girlfriend's got one on the way, mum says I'm next!" she babbled as they walked over to the nurses' station together. Sean smiled, perhaps today wouldn't be so bad after all.

Jac's eyes snapped open, as the baby in her lap tugged at her hair a little too hard. She silently thanked the gods of fortune that it was her day off, she'd been asleep for hours and remarkably, Freya hadn't so much as stirred in her lap. After such an eventful night, she felt strangely at peace and almost secure with Freya in her arms, it was terrifyingly good. Then she remembered Joseph's text- she couldn't even recall sending him that letter, she knew she'd written it, but she would've had to have been drunk to actually have the balls to send it. Then again, she _had _been drunk that night, it was the same night she'd slept with Sean and he had seemed to know it wasn't him she was in love with. Oh God- he hadn't read it had he? Jac cringed horrifically. As she desperately tried to recall the events of that awkward night, Jac's thoughts were interrupted by the sound of her phone ringing in her hand. She checked the caller ID. It was Joseph. Gently she set Freya down in her cot and took a deep breath. It was time to face the music.

"Jac Naylor" She answered, her voice barely a whisper.

"Jac, it's me Joseph- can you talk?" He asked. Jac's heart began to race, he was there, it was him, it was really him. She didn't know what to say.

"Jac? Are you there" Joseph prompted gently, Jac shook herself;

"Yes Joseph, I'm here. I can talk, I'm sorry I just-" She faltered, hating the absolute power this man had over her and yet loving it at the same time.

"It's fine." He said softly, "You don't have to say anything; you've said your piece- I read the letter remember. I guess I was hoping I could say mine, if that's ok with you?" Jac felt her heart sink to somewhere below the hospital basement, she took a deep breath and began to mentally prepare herself for the worst. "Hit me with your best shot."

"Before I do," Joseph hesitated "Can I just check you still stand by those things you told me in your letter? Do you still feel like that?" She nodded even though she knew he couldn't see, she wanted to hang up and protect herself, she didn't want to hear him reject her AGAIN, but the air needed to be cleared, she had to get this over with once and for all. So with a deep breath Jac Naylor put herself in the firing line once more, "Yes Joseph, I do." She stated simply.

"Okay." Joseph replied, "I'm just going to come out with it ok, I don't know how else I can say this. Basically Jac, the simple fact is that I'm still in love with you. Is that ok?" Those few words hit Jac like a punch in the gut, forcing her to sink back into chair in shock, a dazed grin spreading across her delicate face. He was still in love with her? She wasn't sure how it was possible, but she wasn't going to argue. "Joseph, it's more than ok, you know that. I love you." She almost sobbed with joy, when she was finally able to speak. Then she remembered Freya and Harry, "So what do we do now?" She asked, not sure if she was going to like the answer.

"I don't know." Joseph admitted "But if you're willing to give it a go than so am I. I know things aren't ever going to be simple when it comes to you and me, but I think we can make it work." As he spoke, Freya began to whimper in the background. "Joseph, I think we need to continue this face to face. Things seem to have got a lot more complicated my end recently, you remember Freya the little girl I told you about in my letter? Well I think I'd like you to meet her." She said cryptically, not wanting to scare him off before she'd even seen him,

"That sounds like a good idea." Joseph agreed, wondering what on earth she meant, "I'm bringing Harry down to visit mother this weekend, would that suit."

"Of course Joe." Jac agreed without a second of hesitation, she would've moved heaven and earth for a chance to see Joseph again but for once she didn't have to and she could not stop smiling.

They agreed to meet at a café not too far from the hospital. Neutral territory for both of them, but close enough that if things were going well she could, take him to meet Freya without too much difficulty.

Jac felt as though she might have a cardiac arrest when she spotted him stood outside the café that following Saturday. His back was turned towards her and his hands were shoved anxiously into the deep pockets of his coat, the anticipation was practically radiating off him and suddenly Jac could not understand how on earth she had managed to stay apart from him for so long. As she practically ran towards him, it was all she could do not to jump him from behind have him right there and then in the middle of the street, however instead she simply kissed him shyly on the cheek, taking him by surprise. He said nothing in response and simply pulled her into a passionate but tender embrace which neither of them wanted to break, until she sighed deeply and pulled him into the café. He was

Neither of them spoke, as they headed for one of the more private looking tables but the silence was an amicable one, they didn't need to speak to know how the other felt. Ever the gentleman, Joseph automatically went to pull Jac's chair out for her, a move that caused their hands to brush together causing them both to gasp involuntarily as the electricity that had always existed between made its presence felt once more. Finally, Joseph opened his mouth; "Jac, I know I said my piece over the phone, but I feel I need to explain myself and my actions." He said honestly.

"Go on then," Jac prompted, finally managing to reign in her raging emotions enough to allow herself to speak.

"Jac, I want you to know I still love you with all my heart." He began. "I had no idea you felt the same, I know you said it when I left but it just didn't register. I thought refusing to come to Penrith with me was your way of getting a clean break. I'm sorry I was so stupid- I was so wrapped up in Harry and being a good Dad, I didn't even think about how much my little 'wife, son and dog' dream would terrify you, no matter what you really felt. I know everything's going to be a bit of a mess for now and I have no idea how this is going to work. All I know is I love you Jac Naylor and I need you in my life. Please forgive me. I'll never leave you again." He confessed, feeling the weight of all his burdens concerning Jac lift slowly off his shoulders.

Joseph barely had time to catch his breath before Jac had leant across the table and kissed him square on the lips with so much passion, she actually scared herself in the process. "I forgive you." She said softly, "But when we've finished our coffee and before we discuss anything in detail, I need to visit Freya. I want you to come with me. There's some stuff I need to explain…."

Sean was busy doing routine checks on the dozing baby when a beaming Jac (now a regular on the ward) entered, hand in hand with a slightly perplexed looking Joseph. Sean didn't need to be a genius to work out who the dark-haired, handsome stranger accompanying her was. He already knew, simply from the stark change in Jac's usually abrupt mannerisms, she was smiling, laughing and possibly even flirting, her guard was down completely. It had to be Joseph, how could it be anyone else? Sean couldn't help but smile at seeing Jac so happy- his plan had worked.

"How's she doing Sean?" Jac asked with more song in her voice than usual.

"She's just dropped off, I can't say I blame her, it must be hard work stealing all those hearts, but yeah, she's improving brilliantly," Sean grinned back, "Because of her medical history, we'll keep her in for a few more days, she'll be out of here soon. Looks like the social have found some people to take her for the time being." He added shooting Jac a meaningful look. She nodded in response, she had accepted that she couldn't keep Freya out of the care system completely; if she were to look after her herself, it would be a long and lengthy battle, all she could really do was do her up most to minimize the time she had to spend in it.

"This is my …uh… friend Joseph by the way," Jac added, gesturing towards Joseph- not entirely sure how she should refer to her once ex-lover. "He used to work on Darwin with me." She blushed uncharacteristically. Joseph smiled politely and stepped forward, offering his hand in greeting. "Hi"

Sean shook the hand firmly, "Good to meet you Joseph, well I'd best be off- you know how it is, ward rounds won't do themselves." He smiled, as he headed towards the door, "Make sure you keep our Ms Naylor here out of trouble- eh Joseph." He called. Once he'd left, Joseph crept over to the cot and gazed at the child within, she was incredibly cute with a shock of ginger hair that was a very similar shade to Jac's own glossy locks. If he didn't know better he'd have thought the child was Jac's or at the very least a relation of hers, but she wasn't so why was Jac so insistent that he should meet her? He was more than a little confused. "She's adorable Jac." He said modestly, "I can see why you're so taken with her, but I thought she'd gone home with her mother, what's going on?"

Jac swallowed hard. "I don't really know how to explain this," She warned him "To cut a long story short- her mother freaked again and left her outside the hospital with a note saying that she wanted Freya to be left in my care. I don't know what to do with her, I won't lie I adore her but I know I can't be a fit mother. We've called the social and told them everything and they're taking her for the time being but I don't have much time to decide and with my history there's a good chance I won't be allowed to look after her anyway." A tear of frustration was slowly trickling down Jac's high cheekbones; boldly Joseph stepped forward and brushed it away.

"What do you want?" He asked,

"Why does everyone keep asking me that?" Jac growled quietly. "It's not about me, it's about her. I want her to have a good life. Joseph, she's not even two and she's all alone in the world. The care system will keep her relatively safe, but there's no love there. It's no place for a baby, I don't want her life to be like mine and I can't let her grow up into a bitch like me, not now I've got this chance to stop it." She gushed, letting all of her built up emotions spill out as Joseph pulled her tightly to his chest and kissed the top of her head.

"Then there's you and Harry," She added frankly, "One child is tough enough, but two? I want to be with you Joseph, but I can't choose between you and Freya. She needs me as much as I need you."

"It's ok, Jac." Joseph reassured her, "You do what you have to do, I'm here now and I'm going to support you. Whatever it is, we're going to make it work. If that's what you want."

**There you go, I think the next chapter may or may not be the epilogue. Will Jac adopt Freya? Or will she let her go?**

**Let me know what you thought anyway…**

**Love Kat x**


	7. Chapter 7: She is Mine, I am hers

**Dear Joseph **

**I feel like in the midst of my new Luc/Eddi obsession I have neglected this fic a bit, so I'm really sorry about that. I guess the lack of Jac on our screens has caused me to seek another favourite ship to sail alongside the "HMS Jac/Joe". Anyway, sorry Leddi fans- you won't find any of them here this is fic is strictly J/J territory! :P, but alas! Jac/Joe shippers rejoice because...  
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**FINALLY, the final chapter is here!  
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**Right... I'll stop rambling now...  
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**Chapter Seven: **_**She is mine, I am hers**_

_... 18 months Later..._

Joseph sat on the bed, fully dressed and brushed his girlfriend's hair aside;

"Jac love, wake up." He began placing gentle kisses along her neck so that she stirred gently and rolled over to face him, a sleepy smile crossing her face.

"Do you know what day it is today?" he whispered.  
>"Yes. Monday," Jac replied flirtatiously, trying to hide her nerves of excitement "Today is Freya's day, the day she finally gets a home."<br>"You nervous?" Joseph continued kissing her collarbone.  
>"Not as much with you here," She admitted, "I mean if it wasn't for you, I doubt we'd be in this position. A year ago, I was in no fit state to be a mother. What have you done to me Joseph Byrne?"<br>Joseph paused, a mock pensive expression plastered across his face: "What haven't I done?" he grinned, earning himself a swift but half-hearted slap on the cheek in retaliation.

"Right, I've got to go. The surgery won't open itself." He grimaced. "What time do you finish?"  
>Jac stretched her arms luxuriously, "Well I'm only going in to get myself officially 'signed off' by Hanssen" she shrugged "Then I suppose, I'll have to meet you in the caf at about one?" She suggested.<br>"Ok, I'll pick Harry up from nursery on my way, then we can take him to bring his little sister home at long last. He really does adore her you know." Joseph grinned, making Jac grin and roll her eyes.  
>"Go on, get lost before you make me vomit a rainbow." She teased, chucking a pillow in Joseph's general direction.<br>"I love you Jac!" Joseph called as he ducked out the door.  
>"I love you too." Jac called back softly, finally allowing her real emotions to show.<p>

She sat back against the pillow and began to reminisce, it had been almost exactly a year and a half since, Joseph and Freya had come back into her life and she still couldn't believe how dramatically her life had changed. Shortly after she and Joseph got back together, Jac had bravely filed her first petition to adopt Freya. It wasn't successful; her job was too demanding, her relationship with Joseph, who was still living in Penrith was too long distance and she had very few people who genuinely believed she could be a good mother and were willing to say so on paper. That was when Joseph announced he was selling the surgery in Penrith and taking a job in another GP surgery on the outskirts of Holby and tentatively asked Jac to move in with him and Harry and things began to look up. With the proceeds from her flat, his house, the surgery and Jac's largely untouched salary, they were able to purchase a modest house, not far from Holby general. Six months after falling at the first hurdle in her first attempt to adopt Freya- Jac had all but given up hope of "Rescuing" the child from the care system, but with Joseph's support and encouragement, they began the process once more. This time proved much more successful; without Jac even realising, having Harry around her had started to reawaken a maternal instinct that she never knew she owned. Before she knew it they were taking both toddlers to the park for days out and watching them play together whenever they had Freya overnight. Soon they noticed the words "Jac" and what sounded like "Yay-yah" appearing in Harry's already blossoming vocabulary. It was terrifying and amazing all at once, it had to be some kind of good omen.

As she entered the garage on her way to the car, she ran her hand over her beloved motorbike and briefly wondered when she would ever get to ride it again. Now she had her make-shift family; Joseph, Freya and Harry each depending on her in some way, her bike was just too much of a risk. It was a self-imposed rule, Joseph knew better than to try and come between Jac and her bike, so when she announced this idea to him, it was the first time he was 100% sure that this was exactly what she wanted.

Jac snuck quietly into the same caf , ordered two coffees and settled down at their usual table to wait for Joseph. It was the same caf she'd where she'd been reunited with Joseph a year and six months ago and the anticipation levels she was experiencing right now were even higher than they had been then. Jac began to distract herself by watching the other customers as they came and went. Suddenly she spotted a familiar figure coming through the door, it was Sean, accompanied by a girl who she supposed was his latest date. Since her night with Sean, she'd seen him with a number of different women at varying points but none of them ever seemed to stay with him very felt a pang of guilt as she watched them go up to the counter, Sean had been one of the few who had openly supported her initial petition to adopt Freya and she knew that since they met, he'd always held some sort of unvoiced feelings for her. She just hoped that this meant he was moving on, for his sake. Then she took another closer look at his companion and was forced to do a mental double take, it was none other than Nurse Lane who was beaming happily. 'Well at least he's happy.' Jac smirked to herself at the unlikely pair.

"Hi Jac." Sean called, spotting her and strolling over, with Chantelle trotting behind him.  
>"Well if it isn't the boy who never grew up and his dear Tinkerbell." Jac raised a semi-sarcastic eyebrow.<br>"How's it going?" Sean asked, ignoring the sarcasm "Well todays the big day." she responded, sipping her coffee happily.  
>Sean's smile could not have been wider, "What you mean Freyas- Oh Jac that's fantastic!" He cried, scooping Jac into a crushing bear hug.<br>"Ugh get off me you great lump! Before Tinkerbell here gets all jealous and tries to kill me with fluffy bunnies and kindness." she squirmed she may have softened a lot, but she still wasn't a massive fan of public displays of affection- even with Joseph.

"Aw I would never." Chantelle protested, "Oh Ms Naylor, I can't believe Freya's gonna live with you, I'd never of imagined it but you're gonna be a great mum." She gushed.  
>"Well you wouldn't be the first person I've surprised." Jac replied- trying hard not to blush.<br>"She already is a fantastic mum." Came a voice from behind Jac, "She's already a brilliant mother to my son." Joseph declared, pushing Harry's buggy up to the group, plonking the toddler into her lap and kissing her on the cheek. Jac gave Harry a small affectionate squeeze, whilst Joseph checked his watch.  
>"Jac we ought to get going, or we're going to be late to get Freya." He said softly. Jac gulped and nodded with a nervous smile as she went to stand.<p>

"Ooh Good Luck Ms Naylor, Mr Byrne!" Chantelle giggled "Not that you need it!"  
>"Thanks" the couple both smiled simply.<br>"Oh Jac I'm so glad you're happy." Sean said, as Joseph picked Harry back up and turned to head for the car. "I hope everything works out for you- all of you- in fact I know it will." he smiled meeting Jac's eyes so she could see his sincerity.

"Are you ready?" Joseph asked when she joined him in the car.  
>"As I'll ever be." Jac shot back, leaning across to capture Joseph's lips in a passionate kiss once more before they drove off to face a future Jac Naylor never dreamed she could have.<p>

THE END.

**So we got there! ****Thanks for sticking with me on this one guys. I may be a writer but words can't express how thankful I am for all of your lovely comments and reviews. They warm me through and through.**

**Also, thank you to the wonderful Ed Sheeran whose lyrics have inspired me for all of these chapter titles in some way.  
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**If you feel like giving this fic one final review, please please do :)  
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**Big Love,  
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**Kat xx  
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